Sometimes being a twin just isn't fair...

The other day Berlynn and I had our own little special moment.  You're probably thinking that most moms and their babies have special moments all the time, and we do but not all to ourselves.  One-on-one alone time with a parent seems to be a rare situation with multiples.  Zuri was extra tired so before Chris left for work, he put her to sleep and Berlynn and I had the house to ourselves.  I nursed Berlynn then we cuddled up on the couch. The sun was shining through the sliding glass doors directly in front of us as we snuggled under my favorite fuzzy blanket.

Berlynn lay on her back on my lap, smiled at me and played with her feet. She was so peaceful.  Normally, the beginning of nap is a struggle so I did not expect Berlynn to fall asleep anytime soon.  She played with my hair and I teased her by pretending to nibble on her fingers. I started to sing to her and she slowly became more and more quiet then eventually dozed off. I began to fall asleep myself.

It felt so good just to be able lay there with Berlynn and hold her while she fell asleep and be able to relax without having to put her in her crib right away.  I'm normally rushing off to put one to sleep so I can get the other asleep.  When they are both asleep that is my "precious time" and the only time I have to get anything done.

I started to get a pang of jealousy towards moms of single babies. They must always be able to hold their babies as they sleep and cuddle them whenever they want. How easy this seems!:) And those babies must get so many more loving touches than mine do.  

Once I put Berlynn in her crib I sat down and wrote this to both of my girls:

Dear baby girl,

Sometimes being a twin isn’t fair.

I’m so sorry I’m not able to hold you as much as most babies are held and that you won’t get as much one-on-one time with me as you should. I want you to know it hurts me to watch you cry and not be able to pick you up. Please understand that I would if I could. You are a rare and unique in that you shared a womb with another life and that other being will probably be your best friend someday.  Please see that when I’m feeding or attending to your sister, I’m always thinking about you and missing you.  Sometimes your sister needs me and it breaks my heart to walk away from you while you’re crying.  You deserve the full attention that most kids receive and I can’t give that to you.  You sometimes look up at me like ‘why are holding her and not me?’ ‘Why did you choose her over me?’ My heart hurts to watch your tiny body sink into the floor with sadness and your cries make me cry. I long to grab you, rock you, and tell you everything is ok.  But I can’t. I must be fair.

I know that as you grow up you’ll come to realize why but right now, your presence in this life has been very short and it’s just not fair that I’m not always able to comfort you. Please remember that while all the other babies are being held more, kissed more, and given more attention, you, my baby girl, are loved as much as any of them. I ‘m not able to give you all the things that a single baby gets but I can love you all the same. And I do so much! So as you begin this journey called life, with another being always by your side, know how much YOU alone, are loved. 

Love,

Mommy