I don't know the exact date, time, or where I was when it happened but all of a sudden I'm searching for strangers nearby to open the door for me to fit through with my double stroller. I'm pushing the flight attendant button more than once per flight- I can't get up! That would wake up the babies! I'm making the waitress run circles to help me. My poor boyfriend is forced to come home early from work to hold a baby while I feed and put the other one to sleep. Random gentlemen are carrying my groceries to my car. I'm in the store with my arms full of babies and my keys slip out of my hands. I look around for someone to pick them up for me. My friends that come to visit me end up doing dishes and folding laundry instead of exploring the Denver night life.
Wasn't it just yesterday that I was going on a road trip to my hometown from college, stopping at random lakes for a swim, taking detours just because the scenery was prettier that way and sleeping on the side of the road in an old, ratty tent? I didn't need anything from anyone. In fact, I was the one picking up the poor lady's fallen keys or opening the door for the old woman in a wheelchair. I was once that waitress running circles for that mom that never tipped enough to make it worth my time! I used to know everything now I'm calling my mom night and day asking about diaper rashes and ear infections.
Why didn't anyone warn me about this? My bookshelf is stacked with books on pregnancies and raising children- even ones on raising twins. Of course they talk about babies being completely dependent on their parents but not once did I ever read anything about losing my own independence. No one prepared me for this.
Sometimes it takes patience. I have to explain how to do something to another person rather than just doing it myself. It often takes tolerance. Because I can't do everything myself, I have to accept other peoples ways and methods of doing things. And lastly, it almost always takes swallowing my pride and asking for help.
Often times, after many nights spent in the rocking chair, after picking the thousandth cheerio off my kitchen rug, and after hours of singing my ABCs I feel like I'm in desperate need of a break. So I take a couple hours to go shopping, have a nap, take myself out to eat or sometimes even just drive around. What's funny is that my breaks are never what I expect them to be. As soon as I get in my car I look in my rear view mirror and there's no chubby grins staring back at me. When I close my eyes for a nap all I see are the two sweetest faces in the world and I can't stop wondering what they're doing. I can hear them laughing and their attempt at chatter. I miss them. A lot. And I usually end up coming home or waking up early just because I miss them. So I think what surprises me most about the loss of my independence is not so much how I'm always needing strangers to help me out, but more so, how I'm as dependent on these non-walking, diaper-filling, unable-to-feed-themselves little creatures as they are on me.
The other day Berlynn and I had our own little special moment. You're probably thinking that most moms and their babies have special moments all the time, and we do but not all to ourselves. One-on-one alone time with a parent seems to be a rare situation with multiples. Zuri was extra tired so before Chris left for work, he put her to sleep and Berlynn and I had the house to ourselves. I nursed Berlynn then we cuddled up on the couch. The sun was shining through the sliding glass doors directly in front of us as we snuggled under my favorite fuzzy blanket.
Berlynn lay on her back on my lap, smiled at me and played with her feet. She was so peaceful. Normally, the beginning of nap is a struggle so I did not expect Berlynn to fall asleep anytime soon. She played with my hair and I teased her by pretending to nibble on her fingers. I started to sing to her and she slowly became more and more quiet then eventually dozed off. I began to fall asleep myself.
It felt so good just to be able lay there with Berlynn and hold her while she fell asleep and be able to relax without having to put her in her crib right away. I'm normally rushing off to put one to sleep so I can get the other asleep. When they are both asleep that is my "precious time" and the only time I have to get anything done.
I started to get a pang of jealousy towards moms of single babies. They must always be able to hold their babies as they sleep and cuddle them whenever they want. How easy this seems!:) And those babies must get so many more loving touches than mine do.
Once I put Berlynn in her crib I sat down and wrote this to both of my girls:
Dear baby girl,
Sometimes being a twin isn’t fair.
I’m so sorry I’m not able to hold you as much as most babies are held and that you won’t get as much one-on-one time with me as you should. I want you to know it hurts me to watch you cry and not be able to pick you up. Please understand that I would if I could. You are a rare and unique in that you shared a womb with another life and that other being will probably be your best friend someday. Please see that when I’m feeding or attending to your sister, I’m always thinking about you and missing you. Sometimes your sister needs me and it breaks my heart to walk away from you while you’re crying. You deserve the full attention that most kids receive and I can’t give that to you. You sometimes look up at me like ‘why are holding her and not me?’ ‘Why did you choose her over me?’ My heart hurts to watch your tiny body sink into the floor with sadness and your cries make me cry. I long to grab you, rock you, and tell you everything is ok. But I can’t. I must be fair.
I know that as you grow up you’ll come to realize why but right now, your presence in this life has been very short and it’s just not fair that I’m not always able to comfort you. Please remember that while all the other babies are being held more, kissed more, and given more attention, you, my baby girl, are loved as much as any of them. I ‘m not able to give you all the things that a single baby gets but I can love you all the same. And I do so much! So as you begin this journey called life, with another being always by your side, know how much YOU alone, are loved.
